Mrs. Fix-it

I have been faced with several issues over my married life, but none so important as my marriage. We have fell into issues of finances, the way we are going to raise our kids, our spousal duties, opinions, and affection for one another. I will admit, I have a control issue on top of everything else. If I cannot control a situation, it gets the better of me. And, if my husband isn't on the same page as me, I loose my mind and start fighting with him until he caves to my will. This creates so many more problems on top of what is already going on.

We have been married for 11 years, and I am just now realizing (through a lot of SELF reflection) that my need to control every little thing in my life is draining the happiness from my life in unfairly large proportions. The way I see it, I have very little choice in most of the stuff that happens in my life. The bills will always come, there will always be things that need to be fixed, there will always be something to slow me down when I am in a hurry...the list goes on. I have been trying to CHOOSE to be content with what is laid at my feet and to deal, or not, with whatever it is. I do things on a day to day basis. My mantra is "I'm a tree, I can bend". By doing this, I am freeing up my mind and clearing some of the stress that effects my happiness and others happiness as well. I'm not saying I don't have a bad day. Sometimes I forget to just let things go. I am not perfect. All we can do is try to change little by little and hope that it sticks.

Me and my husband used to fight about every little thing because of the "my way or no way" attitude. It left him feeling emasculated and like his opinion just didn't matter. He left pretty much everything to me, which in turn stressed me out even more, because I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I still feel like that from time to time. It just depends on the situations. 

Most of the time i felt like all that went wrong was everyone elses fault, especially my husband. Before I could even think about my husbands short comings, I realized that I needed to take care of my own. How can I sit and look down my nose at the one person who is supposed to be a part of me and such a big factor in my life, as well as our children's?  So, I went on a mission to find out how I could better myself and my reaction to the things going on in our lives. I needed to look within to change what was going on on the outside. The more I am able to be content in all the chaos and to find silver lining in it all, the more I am free. Free to spend my time more wisely and free to love my husband without conditions.

We are both seriously flawed people, but I cannot fix or change anything with him. All I can do is change myself and make sure that what I do is pleasing to myself and to God.  By my doing so, maybe it will rub off onto my husband, my kids, friends, and relatives. I would much rather lead anyone by example rather then force.

You are responsible for you. No one else. When you face judgment after death, you will need to explain your choices and faults,  not your husbands, not your kids, and not your friends. Fix your own life and your own worries by working from the inside out.